Macho Down Under

By Craig Nicholson

Wintertime is when my cottage basement really shines. It’s a masculine space that becomes my main cold season entry to avoid tracking gunk all over the wife’s clean floors. Also, my dressing/drying room for an abundance of winter gear, and where I recover from way-too-much snow shovelling that didn’t seem to bother my younger self as much.

So, when friends building their new cottage asked us for advice about the pros and cons of basements. I was only too happy to oblige. After all, wasn’t there some biblical chap with his shorts in a knot about whether to build a structure on sand or rock or some old dump site? A basement would have provided him a solid foundation regardless. Also, the wife says that someone should learn from my mistakes.

My theory is that cottages built over root cellars or crawl spaces or dirt excavations or pillars leave a huge void in their owner’s lives. To say nothing of piles of junk cluttering up some other area of their abode. Having a basement is a sign of substance and of forethought. And of having an easy place to dig.

Who wants to peak underneath their cottage and see light out the other side? Or the reflected eyes of multiple critters? The cellar is also where many a man spends much of married life. Maybe that’s why the wife whole heartedly endorses basements. Beats my always being in the proverbial doghouse.

But many cottages are often basement-less. Some places have a subterranean door to some kind of root cellar. Wishful thinking, I guess. Some cottagers try to fake a basement by closing in open sides with latticework. This creates a dank, dark, cobwebby space underneath where critters breed and the only way to crawl is fast. Women won’t go there, and men make an annual pilgrimage with the same enthusiasm as checking the septic tank. Just my luck, the wife never forgets to put it on my to-do list.

If a basement is an afterthought, it’s possible to raise and excavate under the existing cottage. Which can lead to a basement worth more than the original structure. One neighbour decided that dynamite would be faster. By blasting out rock underneath, he would create a new basement. Our local master-blaster carefully laid charges, covered with enough old mattresses to contain the blast. Or provide a soft landing for blown sky-high cottage remnants. A warning shout of “Fire in the hole!”, that sounded more like “Everybody run like hell, it’s gonna blow!”, was followed by a disappointing, muffled crump. Then a balloon of smoke as the building lurched and settled back into perfect position, apparently none the worse for wear. And from somewhere inside, the owner’s wife could be heard inquiring if anyone wanted a coffee.

When I went cottage hunting, I hadn’t given basements much thought. But every place without one somehow seemed incomplete. So, I ended up with a cellar that I love. It’s insulated but unfinished to utilitarian purpose. Double exterior doors provide access for a constant stream of machines, lumber, firewood, supplies, visitors and pets. There’s a concrete floor. Exposed ceiling plumbing and an easy-access breaker panel. A bench where my work is never done, a wood stove that cranks out the heat of Hades, a sauna to cool off from the stove, and lots of open space. It’s a macho place – undecorated, spartan, crammed with tools, parts and other paraphernalia that might come in handy someday. The wife suggests most of it would be better stored at the dump.

Most basements are taken for granted. But it makes our cottage a home. Anchors it in place. Separates it from direct contact with the ground. Keeps the walls aligned and critters out. It’s my receptacle for stuff, a repository for my never-ending work in progress, my refuge from responsibility. It’s where I go when snarly. It’s my status symbol, my alter ego, my . . . The wife cuts me off in mid-soliloquy. Leaning over to my friend’s wife, she advises: “Just build the basement, it will keep him out of your hair.” And that’s her basement theory. Works for me, macho-man that I am.

Craig Nicholson is a long-time Kawarthas cottager who also provides tips and tour info for snowmobilers at intrepidsnowmobiler.com and for PWC riders at intrepidcottager.com